This week my blog is short but certainly not sweet. I currently have depression most likely caused by malnutrition from Crohn’s disease and an iron deficiency. There are many forms of depression such as major depression, psychotic depression, melancholia depression, antenatal and postnatal depression and seasonal affective disorder depression. The list goes on. At times Crohn’s disease can cause my body not to absorb certain nutrients which results in malnutrition that contributes to my depression. It depletes my motivation and sometimes makes me numb. Mostly I feel immense sadness for no particular reason. The best way to describe my depression is seasonal melancholia. The changing of the seasons affects my illness and my mood changes negatively with it.
It’s taken years to learn how to adjust. Antidepressants don’t work for me as I just become anxious instead of depressed. Also, I’m on so many other medications adding another might affect the ones I’m already on. The best way forward for me is to accept the melancholia that engulfs me and try to ride through it. To deny it only brings on an onslaught when the melancholia erupts, as it always does. It’s not an easy process as while I’m like this it feels like an eternity, even though I know it doesn’t last. I’m not strong. I ride with it and accept it because I don’t have a choice.
To be left alone is the best for me. I’m fortunate at the moment that I am able to be alone. I try to keep my mind occupied even though whatever I’m doing I feel detached from, even the things I normally enjoy. It is taking every effort of my being right now just to write this blog for my depression is at its peak. I take each day (sometimes each hour, each moment, each second) as it comes otherwise my thoughts spiral into a downwards whirlwind of negativity that overwhelms me.
My mantra is to accept the bad times and revel in the good times. Nothing lasts forever. It’s the only way I know how to cope.